A Letter To An Old Friend, The Closet

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Hello, it’s been awhile since I last talked to you. How’s life treating you these days? I hope they’re much appreciative now unlike me when it was my time with you. Me? Well, I’m still the same old guy you took in years ago only a little braver now. I would like to believe I’m braver now. It’s just that I missed you and though it’s hard to admit I sometimes miss the person I was when I was with you.

I still remember the first time knew about me, I was scared and lonely. Scared and lonely to the point that I wanted to take my very own life. Then you came, you were a shelter, a home that I’ve come to love. I was safe inside you; no one can hurt me.  You were my freedom of some sort back then.

You were not selfish, you would let me peek through your keyholes and let me see the colorful parade outside, and you know I secretly wanted to join the parade but it was I who would not leave the comfort of your anonymity. Sometimes you’d catch me slightly opening your doors and catching glimpses of the life outside you, I remembered how you touch my shoulder and whispered gently to me to try and see how beautiful it is to see the rainbow in its full glory and not in some obstructed view; I simply let out a sigh and shut your doors.

Inside your comfort, I grew restless; I let out tantrums for not being able to express what I really feel. You say it was inevitable, that no one can really stay inside you for long, some went out lashing out your door with their new found pride in tow, some came out as silently as possible, some came out and then went back in, some just enjoyed the comfort of being able to go back and forth inside your fortress and some like I, went out and forgotten to look back at you.

Outside, you’re known as some sort of an antagonist, colorful people sees you as a prison, a place where cowards resides, a mockery of their rainbow hued lives, I must admit that for sometime after I came out, I thought of you in that sense, I apologize for not running in you defense. I know you couldn’t hate me, I still remember how you welcomed me back after years of not seeing you, I got myself a new job then, I was too scared to lose my job just because I’m different from the rest of the people at my workplace, you were again my relief that time, again you gave me a much needed anonymity, a darkness that would hide my true color.

Now, it’s been years since I last saw you, I came back not to check myself in again, I’m here to pay respect to you. Much has been said about how coming out of you have been one’s most liberating experience, not much on how in some ways you helped us through the roughest time of our lives, times when even our closest family and friends wouldn’t understand us, times when all we think was what other people would say, times when for us being different is the last thing we want to be, you gave us anonymity just when we needed it the most,  you gave us darkness so we could appreciate the colors outside you and most of all you took us in and gave us time to reflect while we nurture the courage to be who we really are.

I’ll be forever grateful to you; I wouldn’t be as proud as I’m today being gay if it weren’t for you.

Still a friend,

Ex- Closet Renter.